Lisa's First Day

Lisa arrived at Potter's Theater at approximately 9am.

She was the new Artistic Director, taking over for her father, Darren, who had been--

REGINALD: So sorry about the heart attack, darling.
LISA: Not that much of a shock, considering his diet consisted of vodka and rage.

Reginald, her father's best friend, and the Playwright-in-Residence at Potter's Theater met him in the lobby.

From there, they moved on to Theater B, the smaller of the three Potter's Theater spaces.

REGINALD: Are you nervous at all?
LISA: Why would I be nervous? I'm happy to take over. My father was very proud of this place.
REGINALD: Why? It turned him into an alcoholic, a homosexual, and a raging bitch.
LISA: No, that was my stepmother.
VOICE: Lisa! Sweetheart!

Speak of the devil, Lisa thought.

LISA: Speak of the devil.

And she said it, too.

REGINALD: Be kind. She's just lost a husband.
LISA: More like a meal ticket.

Reginald and Lisa turned around to come face-to-face with Helen, one of the resident actresses at Potter's Theater, and Darren's widow.

Helen, it should be noted, didn't miss Darren at all.

HELLEN: Oh God, I miss your father so much.

Helen, it should also be noted, is a compulsive liar.

HELEN: He was my moon, and my sky, and my ocean.
LISA: Is that Ragtime?
HELEN: Oohhh, someone's been boning up on their theater!
REGINALD: Even famous movie directors have to see live performance sometime.
LISA: I directed one movie.
HELEN: And several music videos. Do you know which one I loved? The one with those three boys--
LISA: The Jonas Brothers?
HELEN: They seem so talented.
LISA: Yes, as long as you keep straight which one is gay, you're fine.
REGINALD: Well, darling, if you grew up around this place, that's something you've had a lot of practice with, I suppose.

Lisa, Reginald, and Helen waited in Theater B for what seemed like an hour.

LISA: It's been almost an hour.

Okay, it actually was an hour.

LISA: Where are they?

Lisa had called a meeting with all the resident actors, but only Helen had showed up, and that's just because she wanted to find out how much Lisa had gotten in the will.

HELEN: You know I can't help but remember how generous your father was--
LISA: I'm not telling you how much he left me.
HELEN: You always were spunky.
LISA: You mean a heinous bitch.
HELEN: I'd never say heinous.
REGINALD: That's because you don't know what it means.

Before Helen could respond with something like--

HELEN: Any new scenes from that play you've been working on for the past fifteen years, Reg?

--Yeah, something like that.

The doors opened and a group of young twenty-somethings flocked into Theater B.

LISA: Are these our actors?
REGINALD: No, these are our interns.
INTERN #1: Sorry we're late. They told us 10am.
LISA: Who's they?
INTERN #2: The actors.
LISA: I'm confused.
HELEN: The resident actors get interns to shadow them as part of some learning thing.
REGINALD: It's called indentured servitude.
LISA: That's ridiculous. These interns should be learning something not substituting for the actors at company meetings. Important company meetings, nonetheless.
HELEN: It's not like they weren't planning to meet you.
INTERN #3: They're all going to be at rehearsal tonight. They figured they'd meet you then.
LISA: And why is that?
REGINALD: Because you're directing the play they're rehearsing.

Lisa didn't know about this.

LISA: I knew that.

She dismissed the interns, except for Intern #3 who she named Cubby and took on as her own personal assistant, reasoning that--

LISA: I'm the Artistic Director. I need an assistant. Actors don't.

--But knowing she was full of it.

She had just about reached her office--her father's old office--when she was accosted by a little man.

LITTLE MAN: Are you Lisa?
LISA: I'm Miss Tyler, yes.
LITTLE MAN: I'm Wes Littleman. I'm your resident costume designer.
LISA: Nice to meet you. Won't you come into my--

She loved saying this next part.

LISA: --New off--

Or she would have loved saying it if Wes had let her finish.

WES: We have a problem.
LISA: With my office?
WES: No.
LISA: Then can we discuss it in my office?
WES: It's fairly simple.
LISA: Can I hand it off to my assistant, Cubby?
WES: No.
LISA: He's incredibly capable. Granted, I just met him a few minutes ago.
WES: You need to handle it.
LISA: Why?
WES: Because it concerns your ex-husband.
LISA: Fucker!

Pause.

LISA: Sorry whenever someone mentions Trevor that's the first thing that pops out of my mouth.

Lisa and Trevor had been married. The marriage ended for the following reasons:

1) Trevor didn't cast Lisa in his shows.
2) Trevor slept with the girls he did cast.
3) The third reason is a mystery.

The problem was that Potter's Theater had loaned Trevor's theater--The Minx Theater, located two blocks south of Potter, a chicken costume.

Trevor was refusing to give the costume back.

Lisa walked the two blocks to the Minx Theater, hating that she was going to have to go into the place that caused her so much pain.

Cubby walked with her.

CUBBY: Was this where you lit him on fire?
LISA: I never lit him on fire, but yes, this is where I would have had I lit him on fire.

She resented having to handle this situation on her first day, when what she really wanted to do was decorate her new office.

Trevor was lying on the stage when she walked into the theater. He was surrounded by naked women.

LISA: What do you call this play, Trevor?
TREVOR: We don't have a title for it yet.
LISA: I could think of a few.

Trevor stood up and faced his ex-wife.

TREVOR: I'd like to take you from behind.
LISA: I'd like to do the same to you, but with a much larger instrument. Perhaps a steel rod or a tennis racket.
CUBBY: Ouch.
TREVOR: Who's this?
LISA: My new lover.
CUBBY: New assistant.
LISA: He serves many functions.

The Minx Theater was strictly into avante garde work. Trevor was currently in rehearsals for a production of Bless the Frogs and Toads, but he didn't want to tell Lisa that for fear she would mock the title.

LISA: You're doing something with a stupid title, aren't you?
TREVOR: What do you want, Lisa?
LISA: My chicken costume. Potter's Theater loaned it to you, and now we need it back.
TREVOR: Why?
LISA: Because it's ours.
TREVOR: It's mine now.
LISA: Is this when the pissing contest begins? Because I drank a large amount of coffee this morning and I'm standing over some girl's mouth, so if that's what this is--
TREVOR: Anastasia, move. Baroness is crazy.
ANASTASIA: Dah.
LISA: Where is it, Trevor?
TREVOR: Let me ravage you one last time and then you can have it.
LISA: How about I just go get it in the back since you only have one wardrobe rack--unless of course you suddenly became successful in the time I've been away.

Lisa moved to the back of the theater with Trevor hot on her heels. Cubby tried standing in his way, but a naked girl--Anastasia--pulled him down on top of her and started chanting in his ear.

He whimpered, but it was to no avail.

Lisa found the chicken costume, but as she was pulling it off the rack, Trevor grabbed it as well.

LISA: Let go of the chicken, Trevor.
TREVOR: You don't even remember what this is, do you?
LISA: Was it a rooster in a past life?
TREVOR: It was the first costume I ever wore when I acted at the Potter's Theater.

Lisa remembered a very bad show her father directed--an adaptation of Animal Farm simply called The Farm.

Trevor played a chicken in it.

She let go of the costume.

LISA: Keep it.
TREVOR: Thank you.
LISA: You could have just asked.
TREVOR: Then you wouldn't have come.
LISA: Get over me, Trevor. You didn't want me in your plays, so you can't have me in your life. It's as simple as that.
TREVOR: My plays are my life.
LISA: There you go.

Lisa left and walked back the two blocks with Cubby who was now in love with Anastasia.

When she got to the theater it was time for lunch, which meant postponing decorating her office. She had promised her friend Lily they would eat together at their old spot--Cafe Tre.

(Sidenote: Cafe Tre is neither a cafe nor does it serve French food of any kind. Welcome to Rome, New Hampshire.)

LILY: A chicken?
LISA: Trevor was always odd.
LILY: Now he just makes a living at it.
LISA: So tell me about this company you started.

Lily had done two successful summer productions with her new company--The Lily Group--and was now mounting a third.

LILY: We're doing The Tempest.
LISA: Isn't that a little...
LILY: Mainstream?
LISA: Yeah. I mean, you used to scoff at that kind of thing in school.

Lily and Lisa had gone to college together. Lily had always been interested in directing despite the fact that it was looked at as a boys club, and Lisa had starred in just about everything Lily had directed.

Neither thought the other was talented enough to make it, and both were shocked at the other's success, but that's nothing either of them would say.

LISA: I mean, I'm completely thrilled for you.
LILY: I'm so thrilled for you too!
LISA: So The Tempest--
LILY: Well, we did a summer production of A Doll's House, and it went over so well that it gave me an idea--

Actually, it was her mentor and lover Alex's idea--

LILY: I should just do the plays that people want to see. Who am I to shove stuff down people's throats?
LISA: Isn't that what Artistic Directors do?
LILY: Think about it though. You're going to do whatever you do, and it's going to be great because it'll have Potter's Theater stamped all over it. Trevor does the edgy stuff. Nicholas Bennington started his own company over the summer and they're doing the more political stuff. So somebody has to do the...um...
LISA: Banal showpieces?
LILY: Yeah! So hey, why not me?
LISA: Won't that leave you artistically unsatisfied?
LILY: I figure once I get the company past a successful season or two I can do whatever I want.

On top of that, Lily was too simple to ever be unsatisfied in any way.

At a nearby table, someone was listening to this and couldn't believe what he was hearing.

KEVIN: I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Kevin was having a business meeting with his friend Amy about putting on a production. The two were going over his script of choice--The Last Days of Judas Iscariot, but couldn't help overhearing what Lisa and Lily were saying.

AMY: It's just how it goes, I guess.
KEVIN: They're making theater sound like selling used cars.
AMY: Don't be a snob. I really want French food. We should never have gone to a restaurant with a French name.
KEVIN: I'm not being a snob, but c'mon? Categorizing it like that? So-and-so does political theater, what's-his-name does the edgy stuff, oh and then there's the guy across town who pees on lawn gnomes and closes out his season with Pippin.
AMY: I think I might have dated that guy at one point.
KEVIN: What happened to doing something because you feel passionately about it?
AMY: A recession, that's what happened. Passion projects aren't any good unless they can be everybody's passion.
KEVIN: Well, this will be.

He held up the copy of the script he had brought with him.

KEVIN: We are going to knock this town on its ass.

Once Kevin and Amy were finished with lunch, having discussed some important details of their project, Lisa turned to Lily and said--

LISA: I want to read that script.
LILY: You were listening to them?
LISA: Weren't you?
LILY: Of course. I was a theater major. Eavesdropping was a core requirement.

Lisa turned around and was shocked and elated to see that Kevin had forgotten his script at the table.

She ran over, grabbed it, and brought it back to Lily.

LILY: You're stealing that?
LISA: Ssshhh!

Lisa read the inside cover.

LISA: Property of Kevin Broccoli. Who's Kevin Broccoli?
LILY: No clue.
LISA: The Last Days of Judas Iscariot. Sounds Bohemian.
LILY: Then keep it away from me. I've got a nice financial aura around me now and I don't need shocking religious pieces tearing it away from me.
LISA: I'll read it and let you know how bad it is. These college kids are always pushing for some awful, over-worked play just so they can star in it.
LILY: Like when we did Private Lives so you could play Amanda?
LISA: That was different!

After lunch, Lisa went back to her office.

CUBBY: Miss Morgan?

At least, she tried.

LISA: Yes, Cubby?
CUBBY: Nicholas Bennington is waiting in the lobby for you.
LISA: Why couldn't he come up to my office? I have an office now.
CUBBY: He said he wanted to wait in the lobby.
LISA: Is there any way we could trick him into going to my office? I like having home field advantage.
CUBBY: Sorry, I don't have much experience in teleporting people.
LISA: You're fired. Kidding. Maybe. I don't know. I'll go deal with him.

Nicholas had quit Potter's Theater a few months earlier in a very dramatic way, and since then he had formed his own theater group, and was putting on a production of The Best Man by Gore Vidal. He thought the production was going along nicely, but after some careful thought--and the realization that if the play failed, he'd be working at a fast food joint within weeks--he decided to grovel for his job back.

Of course, he would do it in his own special way.

NICHOLAS: Lisa! Look how grown-up you've gotten!
LISA: You're not getting your old job back.
NICHOLAS: And still as big a kidder as ever.
LISA: I'm serious, Nicholas.
NICHOLAS: I was hoping you'd be more level-headed than your father.
LISA: Actually, my temper is much worse. Although I don't plan on sleeping with any of the actors, so maybe it'll all even out.
NICHOLAS: You know, my production--
LISA: Could be a huge success? Maybe. But even if it is, I'm not worried. There's plenty of room in this town for all our theaters, Nicholas. I'm sorry my father treated you so poorly, but from what I hear you gave as good as you got. I sincerely wish you nothing but the best.
NICHOLAS: As much as I appreciate that, I should warn you that if you let me leave this theater without my old position back, I'll make good on my threat to level this place within a year.
LISA: In that case...bring it on, Poli-sci.

Nicholas left the lobby for the second time in a few months, having been rebuffed by a member of the Tyler family.

That night at rehearsal, all the actors assembled--even those not in the production--to finally meet their new artistic director.

A roll call--

QUENTON: I hope she doesn't plan on doing Beckett. I'd rather work on a chain gang.

Quenton was the bitter queen of the group.

DAPHNE: She can't be much worse than Darren.

Daphne, the queen bee.

OLIVER: I heard they suspect Darren might have been murdered.

Oliver, the once-fresh-and-new actor who was quickly losing his luster.

DELIA: By who? A subscriber?

Delia, the insecure, egomaniac.

ELLIOT: Maybe he didn't like his seats.

Elliot, Daphne's husband, the unassuming leader.

HELEN: You are all aware I'm sitting right here?

You've met Helen.

ALEX: Oh shut up, Helen. You hated that man more than you hate your arm fat.

Alex, the bitter could-have-been, and Lily's lover/mentor.

ELLIOT: Maybe she planned on getting rid of both?
HELEN: That's an awful thing to say! And Darren was not murdered. He had a bad heart.

And finally--

VICTORIA: Didn't they used to serve wine at the first rehearsals?

Victoria, the lush.

(And in this group, that's saying something.)

Lisa walked into the room with Cubby and Reginald behind her, and everybody quieted down.

LISA: First of all, I'd like to thank you all for sending your interns to the meeting an hour late this morning. The assistant program is suspended--indefinitely.

This nearly caused a riot.

LISA: The last time I checked this wasn't Warner Brothers and none of you are Vivian Leigh. If you want something done, you're going to do it yourself. The interns have more important things to do.
CUBBY: Miss Morgan, do you still need me to get you a coffee?
LISA: After I'm done with my important speech, Cubby.
CUBBY: Okay.
LISA: Also, we're no longer doing whatever schlock play my father planned on putting on. The subscribers will be notified tomorrow that we're changing the first show of the season and probably the rest of the season, too.
OLIVER: But I'm supposed to have a lead in this schlock play!
LISA: If you stop whining you might have a lead in the one we're doing now.
DAPHNE: Which is?

Lisa handed out scripts.

LISA: It's called The Last Days of Judas Iscariot.

Lisa had read it earlier that afternoon, and fell in love with it. She thought it was just the jolt Potter's Theater needed to get some much-needed attention.

As for the fact that some guy had been talking about doing it at the restaurant, that was probably just a pipe dream. Besides, theater wasn't the place for consideration.

LISA: I hope you'll like it as much as I do. And if you don't, too bad. The days of coddling the actors here are over.

More riotous murmuring.

LISA: As a matter of fact, I'm going to get you all on your toes this season, because by June one of you is going to be gone.
VICTORIA: I'm sorry, I'm a little hungover. Did you just say you're firing one of us at the end of the year?
LISA: That's right.
DELIA: Will it be based on how pretty the person is and therefore marketable?

If that was the case, Delia felt sure she would be spared.

LISA: It'll have to do with talent.

Delia's stomach turned and she wanted to cry.

LISA: Whoever underperforms this year isn't going to be around for next year. That should light a fire under some of you who've gotten a bit complacent.
ALEX: Some of us?
LISA: I'm being kind.
ELLIOT: You could have fooled me.
QUENTON: Somebody just needs some attention in a certain area.
LISA: If you're implying that I need sex, Quenton, then you should come out and say it instead of being a catty bitchy queen about it. That's probably the reason why you can't play straight men.
QUENTON: Beg your pardon?
LISA: Your Man for All Seasons was a little heavy on the spring, and that's all I'll say about that.
VICTORIA: We did A Man for All Seasons?
DAPHNE: Yes, Victoria, you were in it.
VICTORIA: Was I? Fancy that.

Lisa cleared her throat.

LISA: I'm going to go into my office and relax for a few minutes, then we'll start rehearsal. Use that time to reflect on how you're all not going to suck this year. See you in five.

She left the room.

ALEX: What are the chances of two Artistic Directors dying in less than a year?
HELEN: If my stepdaughter keeps this up, I'd say pretty good.

Everyone agreed.