Holding for the House

It was the biggest night of Lisa's life...so far.

Potter's Theater was opening its season and its new Artistic Director was just getting her heels on.

Five minutes later, the heels broke.

LISA: What a good omen.

She was making her way down the stairs to the lobby when the heel on her left foot broke, and she went careening down three stairs right into her assistant Cubby.

CUBBY: Are you all right?
LISA: I think Nicholas Bennington rigged that heel.
CUBBY: He's not here, is he?
LISA: No, I've banned him from the building.
CUBBY: Can you do that?
LISA: Haven't you heard Cubby? I'm the man.
CUBBY: Yes, ma'am.
LISA: Where's the booze?

Lisa had ordered enough liquor to take out a frat house. Her feeling was that the production was all right, aside from the fact that the actors were awful--as usual.

What she didn't know was that they were purposefully being awful hoping to tank her first show as Artistic Director and send her back where she came from.

At that very moment backstage--

ALEX: Elliot, stop emoting so much in your scene. You're almost good.
HELEN: How was I, Alex?
ALEX: Terrible. Keep it up.
DELIA: Alex! What if I twitched for no reason?
DAPHNE: Lisa might pick up on that.
ALEX: Do it anyway. Tell her it's an allergic reaction. Tonight is all that matters. Once that review comes out tomorrow and Phillip pans the show, Lisa's going to have to resign.
HELEN: I really shouldn't be plotting against my own stepdaughter.
QUENTON: Do you want your assistant back or not?
HELEN: Oh God, how I miss little what's-her-name. She was like a puppy to me.
OLIVER: I'm making my character dull and lifeless!
QUENTON: As opposed to all your other characters?
VICTORIA: I'm going onstage sober. That oughta tank the performance.

This was fun for the actors. Whereas they normally were terrible and uncaring as to how they were perceived, usually they at least pulled it together for opening night. Allowing themselves to be even worse than normal was sort of fun in a way. It was like playing charades with blind people acting out the clues.

Meanwhile, back in the lobby, Lisa was talking with her ex-husband, Trevor.

TREVOR: Let me direct a show here.
LISA: Absolutely not.
TREVOR: You used to say I was the best director you knew.
LISA: That was when I was being a supportive wife. Now I'm a bitchy AD. Everything you do is overwrought and pretentious. That includes your girlfriends.
EMMA: I'm standing right here.
LISA: That's why I didn't bother to speak up.

Before Trevor could continue with making his case, and before Emma could throw her drink in Lisa's face, Ritchie approached with good news.

RITCHIE: I just talked with Nicholas.
LISA: And?
RITCHIE: He's scheming. I could hear it in his voice.
LISA: What's he going to do? Stand outside the theater and--

Just then, the sounds of yelling were heard outside.

RITCHIE: Are you psychic or something?

Right in front of the theater, Nicholas Bennington was holding a placard that said--

"POTTER'S THEATER--IF IT'S BROKEN, PRETEND TO FIX IT"

LISA: What does that even mean?
TREVOR: Who are those people?
EMMA: The actors from Nicholas' new theater.

Ten people were parading outside with placards saying equally contrived things. Nicholas had a megaphone.

NICHOLAS: If you want to see cliches displayed proudly, step right in, ladies and gentlemen.

Lisa looked at Cubby.

LISA: Can I have him killed?
CUBBY: Arrested maybe.
LISA: Arrested and then killed in jail by a large man named Toast?
CUBBY: I'll look into it.

Lisa felt a hand on her shoulder.

REGINALD: Lisa, darling.
LISA: Reg, thank god you're here. My heel is broke, the actors suck--more than usual--present company excluded, Ritchie--
RITCHIE: No, I'm sucking pretty hard, too. I really don't like this show.
LISA: --And Nicholas is protesting outside like a gay Norma Rae.
REGINALD: We don't have the rights.
LISA: Excuse me?
REGINALD: For the play. We don't have the rights.
LISA: What are you talking about? Cubby?
CUBBY: I'm not in charge of--
LISA: FIX IT!

Cubby ran off crying.

REGINALD: Apparently, somebody else bought them.
LISA: Why am I finding out about this now?
TREVOR: Because everyone in Rome hates you.

Lisa shot a look at Trevor.

LISA: You knew about this?
TREVOR: I thought maybe you were trying to get away with something.
EMMA: It would have been pretty daring of you.
LISA: IT'S ILLEGAL!

Just outside, there was a scream.

Everyone looked to see Nicholas get pelted with an egg.

REGINALD: It seems the crowd doesn't approve of Nicholas' ranting.
RITCHIE: It's not the crowd. Look across the street.

Across the street, Lily and her acting company were stationed with eggs and tomatoes, and were throwing them at Nicholas and his company.

LILY: Is this artistically relevant enough for you, Nicholas?
NICHOLAS: Troops! Hurl your placards at them!

The drivers in passing cars were not pleased.

LISA: Great. Les Miz has erupted outside. What else can go wrong?
VOICE: Excuse me?

Lisa turned around expecting to see one of the four Horsemen, but instead, saw a young man that she could have sworn--

KEVIN: I don't believe we've met.
LISA: The restaurant.
KEVIN: Not really anyway.
RITCHIE: Lisa, this is my friend, Kevin.
LISA: You know him?
TREVOR: Who are you?
KEVIN: I'm the guy with the rights to play that's going on in ten minutes, which means I'm Lisa's new best friend.

All Lisa could say was--

LISA: We're going to have to hold for the house.